absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
did i just pee glitter
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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