I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it's great music for shaving your balls
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
