Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
