Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
