I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
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you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
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I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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