It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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