Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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