Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
