I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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