hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
