we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
