We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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