At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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