How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
