Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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