I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
