My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
