sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
