two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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