this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
