New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
