There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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