smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
