Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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