I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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