The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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