I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
