; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
