you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
