Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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