I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
