Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
