1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
