The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
