Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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