Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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