I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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