Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
