I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?