May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick