Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
