i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
