My hair reeks of homosexuality.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
