i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
