Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
