i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
