Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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