You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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