I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize