I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
