Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
