who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
