What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
