My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
