I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
