my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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