The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
