Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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