I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
